How I Lost My Innocence

23. august 2017 at 23:05 | Silent Soul |  The Shade
23 rd August 2017

"I really need you
I really need your love right now
I'm fading fast, not gonna last
I'm really stupid
I'm burning up and going down
I'm in it bad, don't even ask."

- Robin Schulz, OK
 

The New Me And How I Met The Shade

26. march 2017 at 18:34 | Silent Soul |  What I Needed To Get Out of Myself
5th February 2017

I'm not sure where to begin... So many things happened since the last time I wrote.

First, I forgave Her. Of course I did. Not only because She has forgave me what I've done, but mostly because I would never be able to be angry with Her for long. It wasn't Her fault, She has no idea what She did to me... So I forgave Her.

Second, I've changed... That year, 2016, was the worst one in my life. So many bad things happened and I couldn't have taken it any longer.

I used to be a good girl, so innocent, but... I started drinking... And even more.

Something has happened yeasterday (or today, actually). I was on a ball, expecting one boy to be there. Let's call him The One, for example (I know, stupid nickname, but who cares). The One is Her's son and I've been obsessed with him for a very long time. However, there was only his best friend eventually (one of the hottest guys alive, honestly). Let's call him The Shade (okay... there's seriously something wrong with me).

So let's finally get to the point. Something has happened between me and The Shade. I spent half of the night with him - we were dancing, kissing and... I should definitely start at the begining.

The most insane thing about it is that I actually knew what I was coming for. They were the reason, I think I would never happen to appear at the ball, if I didn't know they should be coming. So I knew that I would "spend time" there with either The One or The Shade.

When I found out that The Shade was the only one who came, I knew I had to get him. He's absolutely hot, as I mentioned, so I kind of didn't care whether he's Her's son or not. I just wanted to take him to some dark part of that place and let him fuck me.

So I got to him somehow - I don't even know how this has happened, I was drunk already. But we danced first and it was getting closer and closer... I think some of you know what I mean. But I still remember the first moment he kissed me. It felt amazing, he's really good (and not only with kissing, as I found out later).

When he asked me to leave with him I knew that was my chance. We went to an empty room and he started to take my clothes off. I was so exited... He touched me everywhere and he was so good at it that I wasn't able to keep silence at all.

Before I write something more, you should know I'm still a virgin. It's quite unusual for people in my age, but as I wrote before - I used to be a good girl, waiting for the right one and stuff... Luckily, I'm done with it.

Unfortunately, we found out that neither of us had a protection. So I've finished him with my mouth. And I absolutely enjoyed it, I can't wait to do it to him again... Well, if we meet again someday. He told me I had to write him, so I would. And we'll see what happens next, I finally want to get rid of the virginity. And I'm sure it would be amazing to lose it with him. The body he has... Oh my God. I'm wet just by looking at him.

I sitll remember the words he said to me.

"I wanna fuck you," he said. "I wanna fuck you every day." I liked it. Loved it. And now I want it.

But even if I enjoyed it, there's still a part of me which thinks that it wasn't right... I hate that part, but it's still a part of me. It's like a huge part of the girl I used to be once stayed there, at the ball. I'm not who I used to be anymore. But I needed it, the change. I wouldn't be able to keep living the same way I used to, because it just hurted too much. So I just stopped caring about some things and I feel much better now. Not completely, but I'll be okay eventually. I have to be.

I Wish I Have Never Met Her

20. march 2017 at 22:39 | Silent Soul |  What I Needed To Get Out of Myself
25th May 2016

How could have She done this to us? She said She loved us, but it was just a LIE. She doesn't even care. Why would She leave us if She did? She knows how hard it was for us when they replaced Her with somebody else, how much we fought to get Her back! But She's leaving anyway! She doesn't care at all... I wish I have never met Her, because it has brought me only a pain. NOBODY have EVER hurted me as much as She did! I could cry myself to death... I won't survive one more year with HIM!

She's leaving in the most important moment and I'll never forget that. Or forgive. But She musn't know this... I still want Her to be happy after all.

I remember the first lesson we had this year... "Trust me," She said. So I did. And that was a mistake.
 


The Moment She Has Left

20. march 2017 at 22:27 | Silent Soul |  What I Needed To Get Out of Myself
27th April 2016

We spoke to Her today... She's leaving. Definitely. I knew that before (I found it out about two or three weeks ago and I've been crying for three days, even if I couldn't have believed that). Today She confirmed it to us.

I can't imagine being there without her... I literally can't. I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying, I will die there! IT HURTS SO MUCH!! I think I'm going mad... Gooodbye, sanity!

Na úvod

20. march 2017 at 22:10 | Silent Soul |  What I Needed To Get Out of Myself
Tak pro dnešek ještě česky... Normálně bych tuto formalitu nejspíš vynechala, ale vzhledem k tomu, že opravdu potřebuji sdělit nějaká organizační opatření svým případným čtenářům, nemohla jsem jinak než úvodní článek nepřeskočit.

Takže rovnou k věci. Tento blog budu psát v angličtině. Ano, vím, že jsme v česku. Ale prostě mi to tak vyhovuje a to i přesto, že má angličtina rozhodně není dokonalá. Nicméně se mi píše lépe anglicky než česky, takže všechny ostatní články budou prostě v angličtině.

Už před nějakou dobou jsem si začala psát tzv. "upřímný deník", kam naprosto upřímně zapisuji všechny své pocity bez ohledu na to, zda později lituji toho, co jsem napsala. Prostě to napíši tak, jak to v tu chvíli cítím a je to. Beru to tak trochu jako osobní terapii, protože na cvokaře nemám dostatek finančních prostředků.

Každopádně jsem se rozhodla, že psát si to jen sama pro sebe na papír mi nestačí. A proto jsem založila tento blog, kam budu tyto své poznámky ze života zapisovat (neříkám, že pravidelně, ale budu). Někdy (nebo spíš téměř vždykcy) to nemusí být nic pěkného, naopak je to spíše depresivní, retardované, úchylné... Nechci tady žádné moralisty, pokud se vám to nelíbí, tak sem nelezte, nikdo vás k tomu nenutí.

Blog je určen především pro mě a proto, abych se ze svých depresivních nálad měla kde vypsat. Jestli to někdo bude číst, tak pouze na vlastní nebezpečí. Protože na tomto místě bude vše bez cenzury.